Coffee With Purps

Coffee Conversations with a Purple Girl

I’m Afraid


I don’t really want to write this morning. I know, I say that a lot more than I should, but it’s true more often than it should be. I’m going out today on a picnic with a friend, we were running late, as usual, this morning and I decided to come home to blog, which was a bad idea as the main road I need to take to pick up my friend is clogged from the tunnel pretty much back to my exit and I’m not convinced it’ll be cleared up by the time I have to leave. I may just take the turnpike instead, though it’s not at all the most direct way to get there.

All this to say, I am shorter on time than I thought I would be and I don’t really want to write with the time I have left. I want to make sure I have everything and I can leave half an hour early if I need to, to sit in traffic up to the tunnel. This really should have occurred to me sooner, but of course I didn’t think of it. I don’t generally leave from home to go up there during the week, I always leave from the city, wherever I’m going. And it’s always okay. Today it might not be, but we’ll see.

I have a confession to make. We’re having a bit of trouble here. The stress around our house and families is piling up slowly and there isn’t an end point in sight. At the end of the last year and the beginning of this one we went through a rough patch in our family. My family was hit on both sides, my husband’s family twice on one side. It was not a good start to the new year, but that was before I started here.

I’m afraid it’s happening again. I’m afraid we’re going to find ourselves adrift again in the sea of grief we discovered in January and December. I’m afraid we won’t be strong enough to handle it, that we’ll crack under the weight of it all. I’m afraid of what time will tell.

I’m afraid.

The hard part is, I don’t have to be. I am helpless in this and I can feel it all to strongly, but that’s okay. I am helpless. I have no control here. But I know the One who does. I know my God is bigger than these issues, these fears and these struggles. I know my God is in control, that he has mapped out this part of my life from the very beginning and he sees what’s ahead. All I can see now are trees and dark wood, and it’s a scary path to take, but He sees the meadows on the other side, he sees the sunshine and glory that’s to come. But I can’t. I can’t see the end and I’m scared.

So I’m praying for the strength only He can provide. I’m praying for the wisdom to trust in Him as we walk this road ahead of us. I’m praying for the strength to uphold my family, to comfort where I can. Praying that He will take us up in His arms and carry us through, because we can’t make it through without Him. We will get lost in the trees and the dark unless He guides us through. And He will. I have no doubt of that. I know He’ll bring us through. I just have to trust in Him.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11


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